Wednesday, 10 April 2013

'these are the best days of your life!'

Being a baby is ultimately as good as it gets. Everyone loves you, even total strangers think you are the shizzle. And you really are. Life is sweet. You want for nothing and if you do, just make yourself heard and within a few minutes the world is yours. Food, comfort, love and cuddles, a constant stream of new toys and clothes and every outing is an adventure.

Adult life is really a pathetic attempt to emulate those days we once spent as babies. Except the whole thing is one giant struggle. We have to work at rubbish jobs for over priced food, clothes and adventures, strangers are mean and love hurts. So we continue with this farce until eventually giving up to have our own babies and experience happiness once again, vicariously.

The lesson in all this is to truly appreciate the time you spend as a baby. Oh Boo, if only you had the mental capacity to understand this lesson and remember how good you have it right now. This is why I write this blog, so you can remember.

Friday, 5 April 2013

The truth about motherhood

Let me just say this at the beginning. Every tiny yet wonderful thing she does more than makes up for any feelings I feel of not having much fun. I laugh and smile more every day than I ever did before.

But im still allowed to miss the before. The thing about beforeness is that life was easy, carefree, you can do what you want when you want. With a baby there are serious limitations on what you can do, how far you can travel, what time you will get there, how much attention you can give to anything other than the baby.

So it baffles me that most women go out of their way to decide and plan to have a baby. I wonder how much they consider the fact that what they are really choosing is a complete change to life as they know it. Life is now a cycle of feeding, laundry, nappies and baby talk. It's really boring. Like down grading from an awesome all night party to an OAP tea party. If you're leaving the party at the end of the night coz it's getting lame, then fair enough, but to be dragged out when you're busy dancing on tables, that's going to breed a bit of resentment. And that's something that no one ever tells you.

Yes in a general sense I am in tune with the universe, I have a purpose in life and the most amazing and important relationship to another living thing, I wish everyone could know what that is like. But with all great things I think you pay for it, the price may be a bargain really considering what you get in return, but it's still there, and maybe I didn't quite budget for that change (maybe none of us do?).

Monday, 1 April 2013

Caring and not caring

Recently, we popped in to see a photography exhibition about children with Downs syndrome. And it was really good, artistically as well as in a way that just makes you think.

Of course I am infinitely happy that my child was born healthy and doesn't have any syndromes that I'm aware of. But I like to think that happiness is only for her sake. Knowing how much I love her, and loved her before meeting her, there's nothing that could have stopped my happiness.

Before getting pregnant it's not something I would have thought of, that idea of not caring. I suppose being alone I was bound to be self absorbed, I still cared about some false image of perfection, in the eyes of others. But the thing about being a parent is that the only thing you really truly care about above anything else is your child. Everything else, whatever syndromes or illnesses attach themselves along the way, whatever anyone else thinks or says, could never even scrape the sides of my love for her. Its the most liberating feeling, to not care about stupid things, and it seems to only happen when you start to care about something, or someone, significant.

Where does time go?

So much happens in such a short space of time. My teeny tiny baby has grown so much I'm inclined to think her clothes are shrinking, and she's looking around at the world and it's people like she's ready to get involved. Yet it was only 14 weeks ago that she was scrunched up in my belly with no clue about the outside, suspended in and inhaling water. So much happens in such a short space of time. Is that what makes life go so quickly?

When I was 15 a month was an eternity. I was out dancing every weekend, bunking off school, going to gigs, discovering boys, feeling the highest highs and the lowest lows all within that short space of time. And I can remember it clearly. But aged 25, what was I doing at any given month? I can't remember. And chances are I wasn't doing as much as I was a decade previously. That's probably why I can't remember, and maybe why my twenties went so fast, because I didn't bulk them out to weigh them down.

Boo's life is going so fast because she's constantly on the move. In just 1% of my lifespan all this has happened to her, but for her it has taken a life time. I think as long as we are living in the moment, the moment will make space for us, and it might be a little less fleeting.